Saturday, August 18, 2012

The Origin of the (Sub) Species

From what I have gathered over the years  about people like us is how we all knew from a very young age on some level that we were  different mainly  by having a close affinity with all things feminine. As has been mentioned by Bea and others this caused (and with some continues to do so) grief at various times throughout our lives. Bea got me thinking about that time when all these feelings began to surface from a sexual awakening perspective and how this side of me developed and probably more importantly what were the main influences. As I mentioned previously I’m in my mid 50’s so had to think long and hard about what these were and how they developed over 40 years ago. I’m curious if this resonates with any readers.

As a kid I was sporty and into the usual stuff boys were into but I was also into reading and would read anything. Pre puberty I remember distinctly reading my sister’s comic books, people of my age from Britain or Ireland would remember girl’s comics  The Bunty or The Judy , I’m sure there were similar girls comics in your own countries. The art work in these was wonderful but I remember gravitating towards some characters and stories more than others. Remember this was in the 60’s – only 20 years after WWII - so a lot of the class system in Britain was still in place (many would argue it still is). The writers and illustrators must have at least been in their 30’s or 40’s, so they would have been raised in the 20’s or 30’s when uniformed maids were not unusual and I think their stories and illustrations reflected this as they were populated by upper class girls, school mistresses, nannies, haughty women and of course ,maids. I now wonder if the writers and illustrators were male and if so had they any CD leanings.

Anyway, reading these comics was probably my first entrée into the feminine realm. I’m pretty sure this was the first time that I became aware of the words maid, servant girl, madam, mistress, etc. and the connotations they held. Up to now  I haven’t  given this much thought but I’m convinced I had no CD tendencies at this time but I now know this was the genesis of my sub side as I  remember getting quite excited about the idea of powerful girls/women and at the same time seeing the subservient servant girl in attendance. The illustrations of the various dresses, uniforms etc. definitely had an impact and I’m sure that it was the dominant/submissive dynamic as portrayed by the mistress/maid roles in these harmless comics was the primary cause of my future sexual direction. The stories have long been forgotten but fragments of the illustrations stay with me. Girls being attended to by maids, Mummy/Headmistress type figures being in total command over their charges. I now think my sub side evolved before I had any inclination to dress as a female. This fascination with these characters no doubt had a great impact on my developing sexual inclinations and I suppose like the kid who’s into Batman, Superman etc. eventually you want to dress like your heroes or in my case heroines. Hence, I think the emergence of my CD tendencies, not that I could understand it or avail of an opportunity to dress. I began identifying with the maids in the stories and sought out books which would feature them.

I became fascinated by the very words maid, servant girl, curtsy, mistress etc. and researched them as much as I could.  Became obsessed about life pre 60’s, particularly women’s fashion and of course the very concept of domestic service where women (men were invisible to me in this universe) were required to wear a uniform to denote their status and identify them to all as servants. The  idea of a girl/woman having to wear a particular colour dress grey or blue for mornings and black for afternoon/evening wear and of course the very symbol of her servant’s status- the apron and cap. After all a maid’s uniform without the apron and cap is just a dress. These garments and what they symbolised, captured me and have held me ever since.

Are our future sexual proclivities determined  prenatal, puberty or could a random act determine it? I’m unsure if there is a definitive answer. If I had no sisters (FYI I never had the urge to dress in their or my mother’s clothes) and had not seen these comics would I have still turned out a sub? Why didn’t I identify with the mistresses and have a dominant streak? I don’t know but it’s an interesting thought though. I think I would definitely have been a CD as I know for certain my mother wanted a girl when pregnant. So from that point I believe some characteristics are formed in the womb.

 There were other influences as I went through my teens and early adulthood but would take too long to go into here. Maybe some other time.



rocketdave said...

As far as I can remember, I've always had a submissive streak. The appeal of forced feminization didn't truly enter into the picture until I reached adulthood, though. I sometimes wonder if I would have ever gravitated toward that specific fetish if I had a more well-developed social life and less time to fantasize.

Mandy said...

I remember my mother telling me that when she was pregnant with me, my father wanted a girl. She of course would have wanted to please him. I believe that maybe this had a bearing on who I am today.

If that is the case can you imagine what the world would be like if all women wished hard for a girl when they are pregnant?