To answer Bea's questions, at least for me:
1) Why do I care to determine where "all this came from"? A: I suppose I'm looking for some justification, perhaps an excuse, that makes it okay. Of course as I think about it, I don't need an excuse for why I became an EE, or like certain kinds of books, do I?
The part that strikes home to me is: I suppose I'm looking for some justification, perhaps an excuse, that makes it okay.
Makes what "Okay"?
I don't know the writer from Adam - but does he steal? Lie? Beat up on old people or children? Somehow, I have the feeling that he doesn't - but he obviously feels that there is something about him that is NOT okay.
This is what I natter about on an on-going basis. I am a great believer in honesty. Firmly think that if you lie to someone - you are scared of them. So, if you genuinely think that you are not 'okay' - you are probably being honest - but how in hell's name can you begin to like yourself if you think that way? Isn't it time that you started to evaluate what it is about you that you don't like? And is there a REAL reason for your dislike of this aspect of your personality? An honest evaluation of this and yourself is damn near mandatory. Time to sit down and do it!
Just a suggestion - but like I said before - show me a soapbox and I have to jump on it!