But? Now I'm here, loaded for bear. Three things: 1) A comment on Belinda's new search for truth. 2) A long comment from Marie. 3) the story I just mentioned.
Was a little confused by the latest survey results. (I DID participate - so was curious). Belinda? Again thanks - marvelous to see someone expend this amount of time and energy. But, But, But?
There were four questions and you give numbers generated for the first three. But then you simply say that about 60% of us would be girls if given the chance? Seems to me (and I'll admit that my memory sucks) that an earlier survey showed the opposite? Just curious.
Had to laugh at that comment where an order was placed for one of those wands.
For 2), I've copied an e-mail submitted to me by Marie. Knowing the hellacious time I had working through an awful dislike of myself, it resonates with me a lot. I'll not climb on my usual soapbox this time - but I have the feeling that what is said here is going to strike home to many of us. (I'm also going to have Marie accepted as a direct author to this blog from now on. I think his/her opinions are highly valuable). Here goes:
My (chosen) feminine name is Marie Sweet, I'm male, I've been fixated on cross dressing since being a toddler (I'm now 56), and I'm deeply ashamed of it. I greatly appreciate Bea's offer of publishing this and hope it helps me and others.
Both Bea and Carrie have been very supportive, advising that I need to "get over" my shame. I wish I could switch it off like a lamp. I suppose if that were possible I might just switch it On even more, and since neither is an option I suppose a more realistic course of action is to figure out a way to work out these feelings and move forward. I'd sure like to do that. I don't want to end up on my deathbed wishing that I'd wasted this life in turmoil that I put on myself. And no, I've not done anything so wrong, immoral, or distasteful in my life that I should be ashamed. I just am.
But I don't want to write about complaints and worries. I'd prefer to explore and learn from readers what they did or ideas for getting over the shame and dealing with it. Maybe in this forum we can all help each other a little bit.
I suspect we all know from whence these negative feelings might arise. From "living in a closet" and the risk of ridicule and rejection by both men and women, we hide ourselves. Maybe I need to simply don a dress and pumps. To hell with them! (Whoever "they" are.) But unlike a girl or woman in jeans I know that for me that I'd want to be seen like a woman, pretty and attractive. Although I've not really tried to I don't give that a high chance of success.
I'm happily married which is very lucky in itself. Some years back I confessed all this to her in the belief that my outpouring of honesty and feelings would be accepted. After all, how could she reject such openness and vulnerability? Well, she did reject it, pretty completely. I purged, promising to get over it and to move on. I really tried, too, but as we all know here, it didn't work. In hindsight I guess I don't blame her. In her world my proclivities would also reflect badly on her: instead of being married to a responsible, loving, and attractive (at least for her) man, she worried that I'm more of an embarrassment.
These days, though, I'm feeling a little better. Not where I'd like to be yet but making progress. In no particular order are some recent items:
My wife recently suggested that I return to therapy as she could see I was/am depressed. I didn't want to, having off and on spending many hours and dollars over the last 30 years with a variety of them, and with little to show for it. However this time I have been completely baring my soul to him. Considering changing my sex (no), spending a weekend getting made-over (maybe), to openly talking about fantasies and desires. I'd never really done that before, hoping that the therapist would somehow know or draw out of me whatever it was I was hiding and perhaps, under coercion (which never came) I'd finally spill the beans.
Anyway, I think I'm beginning to understand that "confession is good for the soul", "the truth shall set you free." Not sure if it's enough but it's on the right track. He's very graciously allowed me to email him with my thoughts in between our meetings, as I find it easier to write. Also, giving me an hour and a half instead of the usual 50 minutes, which always runs short. Once I get to talking it's hard to stop.
2. Bea's TV Channel
I have very much appreciated everyone's writing here. I feel like I'm in a garden of kindred spirits and that helps. At the same time though I have to admit that I feel kind of weird, as if I'm the only one here who feels the way I do. Shit, so I've got this to be ashamed of too? Probably not.
3. New York Times article: "What's So Bad About a Boy Who Wants to Wear a Dress?"
Isn't it funny how serendipity works when we least expect it. Some weeks ago I found this article in NYT at the same time I have been wrestling with this issue of mine. I found it remarkable! Maybe you will too. I'd post it here somehow but I worry about how the copyright people would deal with it.
I think this article sums up my situation very well, although I certainly didn't tell anyone that I wanted to be Mrs. Peal, Bat Girl, That Girl, a mermaid, or a ballerina! Even then I was sure these desires are taboo.
4. "Daring Greatly" by Brene Brown.
I love her writing and she very recently published this book. I'm reading it now and I love it.
to be continued???
This is me again
As anyone who knows me is aware? I dislike Pedophiles. I feel that I can honestly say that I have some understanding as to what drives them - but I feel that they actually DO harm people. I'm so old now, that I've seriously thought of coming out many times. My major problem? Kids.
I'm a nut on reading. Have worked with elementary school kids now on that subject for about 17 years. Have made friends with many teachers. Maye those teachers would understand? I don't know - but the thought that they might wonder about me? Makes me shudder in fright.
This is probably why I don't advocate 'coming out'. Too deep in the closet, to see the light of day? Dunno.
Okay - here's that story I mentioned.. It's fairly old - but a wee bit different. Hope that you like it.