KILTS!

Sorry for not writing, I've been messing around.  If anyone's interested, I updated magselectonics.com - and added that story "Samantha" I talked about recently.

But what I really wanted to talk about is kilts.  It's NOT TV or cross dressing related, but I'm almost sure that there's an awful lot of nonsense goes on about kilts.  Thought I'd throw my tuppence in.

I was born and bred a Scot.  Lived in Glasgow.  Have never worn a kilt in my life - and never wanted to.  This may sound strange coming from an avowed transvestite, but it's absolutely true.  A kilt is MAN'S wear - and I'd feel queer as hell if I fantasized about wearing stuff worn by MEN!  I don't live in Scotland any more, but remember a few things vividly.

To begin with?  Kilts are rarely worn in the lowland areas of Scotland - more in the Northwest or North, than anywhere.  You do, occasionally, see some kids wear kilts in the lowlands, but it's not that common - at least it wasn't when I grew up there.

But when you start to bring bagpipes into it?  An entirely different story.  Whoever HEARD of a bagpipe band in anything other than full highland dress?  Which brings me to my anectdote about bagpipe bands.

Back then, there was a youth organization called  "The Boy's Brigade".  It was usually tied into a church (Protestant I think - but don't know for sure) and our uniform?  Just a pill box hat - and a leather belt.  There may have been a sort of Sam Browne harness, but I'm not sure.

But in the Glasgow area, we were a large organization.  Again, my memory is suspect, but I don't think I'd be surprised to be told that our numbers were about 100,000 in any one year.  In any case, there were a LOT of us.  And, every year we had this bloody big parade that was held all over Glasgow.  Every individual unit marched to a particular 'collection point' and was joined by different units at various fixed spots until we all connected at a large area al over the city.  There'd be speeches there, I think, then when the oratory was finished we were all pointed at surrounding churches where we attended a service.  When it was over, I think we just broke up and made our own way home.

A few groups of boy's Brigade, had their own Bugle, or Bagpipe band.  My group didn't have one, but as we gradually picked up others as we marched to the collection points we'd meet up with units that had one or the other.

Like the other boys in my group, I enjoyed marching to the Bugle bands.  Didn't mind listening to the pipes - but they were a major pain in the ass to march to.  I don't know - but there was a half-beat somewhere? I heard someone explain it that the pipe band marches could only be marched to properly if you were wering a kilt.  they put in this 'pause' that let you swing your ass to get the kilt to swing about the hips. (I don't know if this was true - but ask anyone whoever marched to a pipe band!).

Anyway, we are all marching along.  Pick up one group and then another.  Then another - that has a Bugle band and we all march happily along.  Then another group - then one with a pipe band.  And from all around me comes the unhappy muted groans of other boys who feel the same way I do as the pipes start to skirl and we all try to adjust our steps to the different beat.

Then?  Miraculously I find the beat!  It's EASY!  Happily I swing along, though for some reason everyone around me is grumbling and fumbling.  Out of step?  Other than me, it's a bloody shambles!  The boys are NOT happy - but they're grinning at me as I march along.  I don't care that they're jealous.  I'm okay!

Then the lieutenant marches up alongside us.  He doesn't look my way, but he falls into step with my rank.
"Knock that shit OFF you bastard!"  He hisses.  "Knock it OFF!"

I am astounded.  Honest to God, I have no idea what the hell he's talking about.  I would stop anything bad I was doing, but he must be thinking about somebody else.  Then, his words and expression must have got to the others, because fits of giggling start - and before you know it, the whole company is giggling - myself included - and trying to contain ourselves as we march into the large containment area - then directed into our place amongst the other groups.  We are finally at a stop.  The lieutenant marches away, cursing at me under his breath.

"But what did I DO?" I ask plaintively.  This immediately starts another round of barely suppressed laughter - with lots of muttered "Shut UP!s" and similar comments.  No one was blaming me for anything.  Didn't believe that I didn't have a clue what had been going on - but obviously enjoyed whatever diversion I was being blamed for and didn't believe my protestations of innocence for a munute.

I din't discover what I was supposed to have done until we were in the church.  Finally somebody half-believed me and filled me in.  So help me God - this is absolutely true.

When you march properly?  You advance your right arm with the left leg, your left arm with the right leg.  I'd started marching - my right arm going with my right leg and my left with the left.  Created unimagineable chaos all around me.

I couldn't very well admit that this was the method I'd found to fit in with the bagpipe wail.  Had to pretend innocence that noone believed.  I mean?  What could any boy have done?  (But that was talked about for years!)

Thank God I don't have to march to pipers any more!