Saturday, July 21, 2012

Early This Week

Thought I'd get this post done for a few reasons.  The first is my desire to watch the British Open, then we go to the theatre in the afternoon - making my time kinda short.  The second was a comment I got from Marie,  The THIRD?  My God Carrie - an honest to god post?  Thank you!

Marie made some comments that I thought I HAD to answer.  I can see the alienation with one's self - hell, I went through it for many years.  Frankly though, I tend to disagree with Therapists.  I correspond quite often with Carrie and he made the point some weeks back that a lot of us TV.s/ CD's do have a tendency to 'overthink' things - which I totally agree with.  Maybe it's because I'm a Scot and frugal? I don't know - but I never believed in spending money on therapists.  Please believe me when I say that IF you are feeling the benefit - then just ignore me.  BUT?  I firmly believe that my whole outlook on myself started when I started work on actually liking myself.

This sounds bloody easy - but it took me years.  I wasn't a thief, nor a drug addict.  Had some damn good friends that liked me. Honestly liked my wife.  Tried like hell to be a good parent to my boys - yet I hated myself, primarily because I wanted to be dressed as a woman.

Think on that.  It is DAFT.  Probably not much more than that.  But I didn't want to harm anybody.  Jesus Murphy - probably my worst imagined sin was screwing up my dommes hair! I was NOT a bad person, yet I had a temper that wouldn't quit - but basically because I detested myself.

I don't have any methods that I'd suggest to make you like yourself better.  What worked for me was an honest appraisal of what I didn't like about me.  Believe it or not?  I had a helluva job even identifying what my bad traits were.  Logic was playing no part in my self evaluation - just pure emotion.

I'm pretty damned ancient and that was about thirty years ago.  But now?  I probably drink a dram or two more than I should - but think of myself as a damn nice  person.  So Marie?  Stay with your therapist if he's doing you good.  But I sincerely think that self acceptance is the most necessary thing you can do - and that means cleaning your own house of any rubbish.  Accept your desires.  They may be daft - but they're yours - and you're not doing any harm.  Just be bloody thankful that you're not a pedophile.

Christ!  Give me a soap box and I'm off to the races. 

Here's part 2 of that serial I started last week.

Part 2

"Uncle Ron?  Or maybe I should call you Auntie Ron now? What do you have to remind me of tomorrow?"
"To buy a paddle?"
"Very good!  And what is the paddle to be used for?"
"To spank me?"
"Yes.  Most definitely.  Now be a good little sissy and drop your pants and get over my knees."
"I'm NOT a sissy!"  I said, starting to sniffle, but loosening my pants as I went towards her.
"Ain't what mom and aunt Tess used to say," she giggled "Guess they were right!  Huh?"

Then she said.  "Wait a minute!  I've got an idea!  Get your shoes and socks and pants off!  If you have them off, I'll let you away with the six extra spanks you were going to get!"  and off she went again, giggling to herself.

This time I hurried, and was glad I did.  She had some sort of pink stuff in her hands, but I couldn't make out what it was.  "Okay sissy Ron.  Up and over" she said curtly.
And weeping in a mix of humiliation, fear, and embarrassment, I draped my self over her knees.  I felt her hands at the waistband of my jockey shorts, then they were yanked down and off.  Then it got very uncomfortable as she was leaning over me doing something down at my feet.  I couldn't figure out what she was doing, but it felt as if she was putting my shorts back on.  Was I getting a reprieve?

But as she was pulling them back into position, something felt odd, as if there was elastic around the legs – and they felt lighter.  Then they were snugly around my waist.
"My!  Isn't that pretty.  Sissy wearing pink panties! Isn't that nice that you and mom were the same size!"  And as she spoke, she cupped her hand and gave me a little pat on my nylon covered rump.
"You know sissy?  If you ask me real pretty like?  Maybe I won't spank you after all"
"Honest?"  I whimpered – and received a sharp blow on my backside that made me jump.
"Don't ever question me!" she snarled, and gave me another whack!  Then she paused.  "I'm waiting." She said.

And, lying over her knees, my panty clad rump stuck in the air, I pleaded with that young girl not to spank me.  Agreed that I was a sissy and promised to obey everything and anything she told me to do.  After about three minutes of my total debasement, she leaned over and whispered in my ear.  "Know what?  You DID ask real pretty, but I just don't know.  I won't rest easy tonight if I start to wondering if I should have paddled you or not."

Without warning, the next blow was struck.  I squealed on a high note, and she laughed. That really angered me.  Okay, I was a sissy, but damned if I was going to cry for this demon from hell! Gritted my teeth while the whacks rained down on me. Started to blubber at the sixth, was weeping hysterically and pleading at the tenth, and totally ready to kiss this woman's feet when she finished with me – as she told me to do.
"Like your pretty pink panties?" she asked me.
"No Carole," I mumbled.
"I'll bet you'd learn to like them after some more spanks. Are you sure you don't love them?"
I took a deep breath. "Maybe a little Carole?"
She waved the paddle. "Tell the truth.  You're ecstatic about them.  Right?"
"Yes Carole" I capitulated.
"Good! Mom had lots. You can use them all the time now – seeing you like them so much.  Nice ladies panties – lots of pretty colors?"
"Yes Carole."

"Wonderful! So where were we?  Ah yes!  I was telling you what you had agreed to do.  The last thing?  I have girlfriends over in the afternoons often.  I'll tell you when they're coming of course.  I'll want you to serve us drinks and munchies – that sort of thing?  Will that be all right sissy Ron?"

She was bright and cheerful again, as if there hadn't been a single cross word.  Came and gave me a huge hug and a big kiss. I couldn't help it, started to weep at this evidence of affection.
"C'mon sissy Ron" she comforted me.  "You've had a long day, and Carole was mean to you, wasn't she?"
"Yessss" I whispered.
"Well, she's sorry.  Lets get you to bed.  You'll feel better in the morning.  Come on.  There's a girl."

Snuffling and half weeping, I wasn't aware of where she was leading me, but discovered that we were now in a large bedroom – her mother's before, hers now.  And still whispering comforting endearments, she got my shirt off, and I was standing there in nothing but pink panties, hugging myself in shame.

Because I saw the feminine nightgown she had in her hands, and knew who it was for.  Unresisting, I lifted my arms and let her slide it down my body.
"That is SO pretty on!  Isn't it?" she asked, turning me to see my reflection.
And I saw a sissified image of what I'd been made into looking back at me.
"That's a girl.  You can sleep with me tonight."

I almost protested that I was her uncle, then thought better of it.
"I wouldn't have let you if you were a man.  But you're not, are you?  Just a sissy in a pretty nightgown. Like some perfume sissy?"
With my assent, she sprayed just a little around me, then tucked me in bed.  Gave me a kiss.

Then she undressed – right in front of me!  The message was clear.  I was no threat to her.  Tear stained and all, backside burning, I was still asleep before she arrived in bed beside me.

The following morning I came awake in my feminine nightwear, immediately humiliated by the experiences I'd undergone the night before.  Carole was gone from the bed, but I could hear noises coming from the kitchen.  I went and showered, didn't need a shave (have very little growth) then dried myself off. I wrapped a towel around me then went in search of Carole. I greeted her and she gave me a good morning kiss and asked what I was looking for. 

She smiled sweetly when I told her that I was looking for panties.  Nodded approvingly. "I never thought to tell you sissy, but I moved them into your room this morning. I also moved some of mom's nighties in there as well.  Okay?"

I dressed myself then joined her for breakfast that she had made. Afterwards, wearing the apron I'd admired the night before, I did the cleanup and the dishes from the meal.  I took it off, then freshened up, before she took me around the town and introduced me to the President  and chairwoman of the woman's club she had mentioned.  I had been warned beforehand that there might be some resistance to my application for membership, but to try my best. Carole waited outside for me, but that didn't ease my mind at all, knowing the problems I would face if I failed.

But it was hopeless from the start.  Both women were in their forties and entirely nonplussed at a man – a male – practically pleading for membership!  I think that they finally agreed to discuss it with their membership, but only out of kindness.  It was with a great deal of trepidation that I reported the results of my application to Carole.

The ice princess appeared immediately.  "You didn't try hard enough!  I ought to spank you here and now" she threatened.

But I pleaded and kissed up to her, pointing out again and again how I'd really tried, and how the ladies had promised to discuss it with their members. This placated her somewhat. She finally relented, smiling again.
"I'm sorry sissy" she said.  "My fault! I should never have let you go in there improperly dressed!  Lets' go!"
I leaned back in my car seat, emotionally drained from the relief from fear and wasn't really paying attention to where we were going. Was daydreaming when she stopped the car. "Okay sissy!  Here we are dear!"
And discovered when I got out of the car that I was outside a rather garish store 'Suzanne's' with a display window crammed with multi-hued ladies lingerie!

I wanted to run away, but there were people around, and I knew that she would catch me.  Not only that, I rationalized, maybe she was here for herself?  Paralyzed with fear and doubt, I was blind to what was going on about me.  Probably upset her by pausing for so long.  Suddenly, I yowled! Carole had my earlobe between her thumb and finger, and was twisting it violently!  And squealing and squalling I was led into the store.  It wasn't big inside, but my noises attracted far more attention than I wanted.

"Hi Suzie!  My tormentor said to a young blonde behind the counter. This is a sissy uncle of mine. He wants some bras.  Don't you, sissy Ron?"  She gave my ear an extra tweak as she said it.
"Oooh!" I wailed then, knowing what was likely to happen if I didn't answer, looked up at the girl - and trying to show some degree of normalcy, tried to smile and said "Yes"

With that, Carole let go of my ear.  I actually said "Thank you Carole" as Suzie pulled out a selection of  lingerie from drawers and display stands around her.    She smiled nicely at me. "Don't be embarrassed. I've known Carole for years. You just have to accept the fact that she's bossy and can be a bit of a bully if you let her.  But she's really nice."

Like the true sycophant I was becoming, I smiled.  "Yes, she is." I said, trying to get some circulation back into my maltreated ear by rubbing it.

"Well?  Could you tell me your size?  Any preference for color?  Style?  The type of breast forms you use? "
I gazed at her, totally lost.
"Never thought of that." Carole laughed. "What do you recommend in the way of forms Suzie?"

Suzie shrugged.  "Depends. There's the forms – something like the old falsies, where he'd slide them into the cups.  They're the cheapest – but he'd have to watch them because  he'd probably need different styles."  She turned to me, explaining.  "See?  You want a low décolletage?  You wouldn't need the same size as you would for a high.  You might not need any at all if you went for a 'Wonderbra'."
"Don't get a Wonderbra dear" a woman customer standing close by said kindly to me "They're hell on wheels to wear!"
"Oh shush Molly!  Trying to cost me a sale?" Suzie said, laughing.

Carole laughed as well.  Don't they have some forms with silicon gel inside.  More natural?"
"Absolutely, but they're best with adhesive.  You only need to take them off about every four days."  She turned to me.  "They're more expensive, but I'm told that they give you the feeling of having real breasts."
"Is that true" the customer asked.  "Wobble and everything do they?"
"Oh I think he'd like that ."  Carole laughed.  "Wouldn't you dear? Sissy with tits like a girl?  All bouncy?"

Enough was enough!  "No! I would not!" I said bravely.
"Oh dear!"  Suzie said sympathetically.
But it was if Carole didn't hear me.  "Suzie?  Do you have a washrag in your restroom?"
"No but I can give you one if you want." Suzie replied.
"Yes, I'd like that." Carole said. "Sissy?  Come with me to the restroom please."
"But I don't need to go, and anyway it has to be a ladies. . ." I faltered to a stop, because the ice maiden was looking out from Carole's eyes.
"Coming darling?" she asked nicely.
"Yes.  Well maybe I can work up some interest" I said, trying to laugh off my discomfiture and turning to follow her.
"There's clean washrags in the top right hand drawer on that chest outside the restroom door" Suzie called out after us.

Carole nodded and when we got to the Ladies room, pulled a rag from the drawer, opened the door invitingly and said, "Come in dear."
I sighed and followed her in. Luckily, no one was there except us.  I'd expected her to go to a stall, but instead she went to a sink and soaked the cloth.  From a soap dispenser mounted on the wall she pumped a lot of sop onto the wet cloth, then gently squeezed out most of the water, leaving only a lot of bubbles on the surface of the cloth.
"Sissy?  You were very naughty out there.  Now normally I'd give you a good spanking but you said the word "NO" to me, and I just will not have that!  Now  I want you to take this rag and wash your mouth out. I'm upset with you, and for very good reasons. You were sulking, weren't you?"

"No Carole.  I wasn't.  I just got . . . I  don't know.  Angry?  Defensive?  You were humiliating me out there – and in front of these people. . ."
She was holding a cautionary hand up to silence me. 
"Darling?  I'm trying to help!  It's obvious that I want  to effeminize you, and you keep fighting me on it. I'm not a vindictive type person, but I get upset when a sissy like you doesn't know her place! You argue with me in front of other people and make me lose face!  Don't you understand?  I have to punish you.  I would feel demeaned inside myself if I didn't.  Honestly dear? This is for your own good. So be a good girl and do what Carole tells you.  If you don't?  Then I'll have to do it for you, then take you outside, put you over my knees and spank you on your panties!  Now one more word from you – just one!  And that's what will happen.  Now come and do what Carole wants!"

As I reluctantly took the wet cloth from her hands she smiled and said.  "I'm feeling very kind today, so I'll give you a hint.  Figure out how much I'd wash your mouth out – and then? Do it at least twice as much. Be very, very, thorough!  I'll be watching very closely – and if you don't?  You'll know what I have to do, don't you?  Nod if you understand."

I nodded, and went over to the sink. I couldn't help it – felt my mouth widen in distaste at what I was having to do, but gingerly put the cloth into my mouth.  It was awful! As I used one finger inside a fold of the cloth, I cleaned the inside of my cheeks, then my gums and teeth then the top and underside of my tongue. I could feel my mouth filling with foam, and I actually started swallowing some – gagging occasionally.

I looked at her, tears starting to flow, trying to get some idea from her facial expression as to her degree of satisfaction, but she was just eyeing me impassively.  I decided to repeat the process, just to be sure.  Foam seemed to be everywhere.  It started getting sucked into my nostrils because I was breathing through them – certainly not my mouth.

I was almost finished the second cleansing, when the door opened and Suzie came in, a fabric tape measure in my hand.
"Carole?  I had an idea?  Why don't we just.. . .?  " She looked at me in amused shock.  "You look like a mad dog!" she said, and burst out laughing.
"Woof!"  Carole barked, and joined her friend in convulsions.
"Oh dear!" Suzie giggled. "I need the bathroom!" and ran into the stall. The noise that came forthwith indicated that she just made it in time.

"Please Carole?" I tried to say, through a mouthful of foam. "Can I be excused?"
"Yes.  You did fine. You can wash your mouth out with water now."
"Thank you Carole" I bubbled, causing her to laugh some more. "But I meant – can I go to the men's bathroom?  I need to go as well."
"Use one of these stalls here.  It's appropriate for you – and Suzie doesn't mind.  Do you Suzie?"
"Not as long as she sits down!"  Suzie called from inside the stall.

As I sat in the stall, Suzie exited hers.
"You were going to say something before you started that disgraceful exhibition?" I heard Carole ask Suzie.
"Yeah.  I kinda figured that you'd be up to something like this. Thought it might save sissy some embarrassment?  He could get his shirt off in here, and I could size him for a bra right quick?"
"No.  I don't think so. Cecilia – that's her name now?  I'm pretty sure she'd like to do it out in your measuring room.  Isn't that right Cecilia?"
I looked at my satin panties down around my ankles and thought that the name was probably appropriate. "Yes Carole.  That would be lovely" I said.

In the small area set aside for measuring and changing, a little while later,  I stood learning about bras. It was decided amongst the three of us that I suited Boysenberry, Teal, Ivory, and Silver colors.  White, Black, Orange and Navy did not look good on me at all.

I chose the satin, Lycra enhanced for most of my evening wear, and Nylon/Spandex for everyday.  All of the eight bras I ended up buying had adjustable strap, sheer mesh underwire cups, and were back closing. (At first I'd had problems fastening them in the back, but as the day wore on, I rapidly became expert – much to the amusement of the two women).  Carole made a wonderful (what else?) suggestion and I also purchased two bustiers – low décolletage , with demi lift pads, and boned for control, back closing with tiny hook and eye closures – very lacy and sexy.  She did allow me to take the forms out before we left, but I had to wear the teal bustier home under my shirt.

I suppose I may as well reveal what transpired with the breast forms, because of what comes to pass later on in this story.  It IS embarrassing but, when I think on it?  No more than anything else that happened to me in that very short time frame.

Once in that room, I had stripped off my shirt – I don't wear an undershirt, so definitely felt chilly. I was quite surprised when Suzie ran a tape under my breasts.  Up until that point, I'd always assumed that the breast size was measured around the 'points' of the breasts. She called out that I'd be a thirty eight.
"Now?  What size cup do you want Cecilia?" she asked.

I gazed at her dumbly.  "I've no idea Suzie.  Don't know a thing about bras."
"Boy, are you in for an education!" Carole laughed. "Give her a 'C' Suzie."
"Gonna be kinda busty.  But that's only my opinion, " Suzie said.  "But, know what?  I have a pair of  good forms that would be just about perfect.  Got them on spec last year.  I can give you a good price on them if you're interested?"
"Are they the adhesive kind?" Carole asked.
"Yeah – and not only that?  They come with a years supply, and it's considered one of the best.  Hypo allergenic and all that good stuff."
"Sounds good, doesn't it Cecilia?" Carole asked me.
"Lovely dear, " I answered, adding quickly in case she thought I was being sarcastic. "Can't wait to try them on!"
I was rewarded by a lovely smile and a nod of approval.   Then I heard the dreadful words from Suzie. "It'll be a big help fitting his bras if we attach them now.  Want to?"

If I was stunned by what Suzie asked, it was nothing compared to what Carole replied.
"Nah." She said thoughtfully.  "Not just now.  Can't you fit the bras to him, without them being attached?"
"No problem" Suzie said cheerfully.  Don't think it'll make a gnat's ass difference to tell the truth. I'll just use them like falsies though, if you don't mind."
"Be my guest." Carole replied, just as cheerfully.

I put on my fist bra – a white nylon/spandex mix with the forms slipped into the cups.
Suzie came and adjusted the straps – a little on one side, a little on the other.  She finally snorted through her nose. "One's gonna be a little higher than the other Carole, her shoulders are irregular and if I don't raise her right side, she's gonna look all uneven.  Sorry."
"Don't worry about it Suzie.  No one's going to expect her to be perfect anyway!"  Carole said brightly.

"Great!"  Suzie said.  "Comfortable Cecilia?"
I was embarrassed, but comfortable, so nodded.  She then proceeded to take special care in making tiny marks around the top curve of the breast forms, but on my skin.  Then she had me put my hands between the breasts and the bra material and warned me not to let them move, while she took the bra off.  Then she took her marker and made some more marks around the bottom curve.

End of Part 2


Marie said...

Hi Bea,

Thank you for your reply in your post. Sincerely appreciated. And I agree with you that I just have to "get over over-thinking things" and be okay with myself. Harder to accomplish that one would think but there it is. Maybe this is where the therapist can help. Hope so, but I told him in no uncertain terms that I have my doubts, so we agreed that we'd be on "probationary" terms for awhile. I think that's fair.

And I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for your blog(s), your writings, and your presence here. I'm very glad I found you. Your work (both fiction and otherwise) is appreciated.

Thank you again,


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