From what I have gathered over the years about people like us is how we all knew from
a very young age on some level that we were
different mainly by having a
close affinity with all things feminine. As has been mentioned by Bea and
others this caused (and with some continues to do so) grief at various times
throughout our lives. Bea got me thinking about that time when all these
feelings began to surface from a sexual awakening perspective and how this side
of me developed and probably more importantly what were the main influences. As
I mentioned previously I’m in my mid 50’s so had to think long and hard about
what these were and how they developed over 40 years ago. I’m curious if this
resonates with any readers.
As a kid I was sporty and into the usual stuff boys were
into but I was also into reading and would read anything. Pre puberty I
remember distinctly reading my sister’s comic books, people of my age from
Britain or Ireland would remember girl’s comics
The Bunty or The Judy , I’m sure there were similar girls comics in your
own countries. The art work in these was wonderful but I remember gravitating
towards some characters and stories more than others. Remember this was in the
60’s – only 20 years after WWII - so a lot of the class system in Britain was
still in place (many would argue it still is). The writers and illustrators
must have at least been in their 30’s or 40’s, so they would have been raised in
the 20’s or 30’s when uniformed maids were not unusual and I think their
stories and illustrations reflected this as they were populated by upper class
girls, school mistresses, nannies, haughty women and of course ,maids. I now wonder
if the writers and illustrators were male and if so had they any CD leanings.
Anyway, reading these comics was probably my first entrée into
the feminine realm. I’m pretty sure this was the first time that I became aware
of the words maid, servant girl, madam, mistress, etc. and the connotations
they held. Up to now I haven’t given this much thought but I’m convinced I
had no CD tendencies at this time but I now know this was the genesis of my sub
side as I remember getting quite excited
about the idea of powerful girls/women and at the same time seeing the subservient
servant girl in attendance. The illustrations of the various dresses, uniforms
etc. definitely had an impact and I’m sure that it was the dominant/submissive dynamic
as portrayed by the mistress/maid roles in these harmless comics was the
primary cause of my future sexual direction. The stories have long been
forgotten but fragments of the illustrations stay with me. Girls being attended
to by maids, Mummy/Headmistress type figures being in total command over their
charges. I now think my sub side evolved before I had any inclination to dress
as a female. This fascination with these characters no doubt had a great impact
on my developing sexual inclinations and I suppose like the kid who’s into
Batman, Superman etc. eventually you want to dress like your heroes or in my
case heroines. Hence, I think the emergence of my CD tendencies, not that I
could understand it or avail of an opportunity to dress. I began identifying
with the maids in the stories and sought out books which would feature them.
I became fascinated by the very words maid, servant girl, curtsy,
mistress etc. and researched them as much as I could. Became obsessed about life pre 60’s,
particularly women’s fashion and of course the very concept of domestic service
where women (men were invisible to me in this universe) were required to wear a
uniform to denote their status and identify them to all as servants. The idea of a girl/woman having to wear a
particular colour dress grey or blue for mornings and black for afternoon/evening
wear and of course the very symbol of her servant’s status- the apron and cap. After
all a maid’s uniform without the apron and cap is just a dress. These garments
and what they symbolised, captured me and have held me ever since.
Are our future sexual proclivities determined prenatal, puberty or could a random act determine
it? I’m unsure if there is a definitive answer. If I had no sisters (FYI I
never had the urge to dress in their or my mother’s clothes) and had not seen
these comics would I have still turned out a sub? Why didn’t I identify with
the mistresses and have a dominant streak? I don’t know but it’s an interesting
thought though. I think I would definitely have been a CD as I know for certain
my mother wanted a girl when pregnant. So from that point I believe some
characteristics are formed in the womb.
There were other
influences as I went through my teens and early adulthood but would take too
long to go into here. Maybe some other time.
Carrie
As far as I can remember, I've always had a submissive streak. The appeal of forced feminization didn't truly enter into the picture until I reached adulthood, though. I sometimes wonder if I would have ever gravitated toward that specific fetish if I had a more well-developed social life and less time to fantasize.
ReplyDeleteI remember my mother telling me that when she was pregnant with me, my father wanted a girl. She of course would have wanted to please him. I believe that maybe this had a bearing on who I am today.
ReplyDeleteIf that is the case can you imagine what the world would be like if all women wished hard for a girl when they are pregnant?